The
first time I met one particular guide, I was walking through my normal
meditation walk woods. I had been looking for a guide, but with no
luck. On this go around, I made it through the woods until I came to a
sheer cliff face. I turned to go back an the woods were dark and
uninviting. Instead of being discouraged I tried to scale the cliff
face. It wasn't easy, it was hard with little to no footholds.
As
I got a few yards up, I suddenly noticed there were small steps that
carved into the side. I was slightly confused because I knew they
weren't there before, but I was more intent on seeing what was at the
top. It was only a few steps before I breached the canopy of the trees
(which magically were back to normal again). There was a large
red-tailed hawk circling, and he rose higher and higher until he passed
through an exceptionally dense layer of clouds a long ways up. I was
excited to see a hawk, but I really didn't think much of it because he
was so far away, so I kept climbing. As much as it was difficult, it
was exciting and satisfying. The higher I got, the steps got ever
slowly smaller.
Eventually,
I reached the clouds and instead of being like normal clouds, they were
more like a membrane to pass through (which was difficult standing on
teeny slivers of steps!). But when I passed through the hard pudding
clouds there were very solid and wide stairs that went up to the top,
which was only about 9 stairs. Looking down, the clouds didn't look
like clouds anymore, but were iridescent swirly pretty flat sheets.
At
the top, it was a beautifully grassy space with an elegant house with
organic curves with a dense, and somehow more wild, forest behind it.
The house was empty from what I could see in the exceptionally large
windows. I heard the hawk cry and when I scanned the sky for him I saw a
hawk-ish shadow dart behind the house, and I was sure he was going to
land in one of the trees. So I went around the house to catch a glimpse
of him.
I
didn't see any sign on him, but as I was scanning the trees a mature
man came out of the back door of the house. Imagine Santa Clause mixed
with Blackbeard as if he was dressed to take photos of wildlife for
National Geographic; complete with a greenish hat with a stripped
feather in it. He asked what I was looking for. He smiled as I told
him about the hawk and chuckled. He gave me a curious smile and told me
that he lived here, and asked me how I got up here and who told me how
to get here.
"No one," I told him kind of confused, "I just came to a cliff and climbed"
He gave me a jokingly skeptical look and asked what I was doing up here and what I wanted to find.
I
still didn't know who he was, but I had a feeling he'd know if I was
lying, so I told him how I was looking for a guide, some of my
frustration in searching.
He
told me that he was impressed I got here by myself as he put his arm
around my shoulders and gently led me to a stone bench for us to sit and
talk. He looked very serious as he told me how proud of my journey he
was, and impressed. That I should understand how much that actually
meant I had accomplished.
We
started to have a conversation about it, but then a younger man came
out of the dark woods. The gentleman excused himself and told me he'd
be back. Then he went over to the young man and greeted him warmly.
The young man bowed and they stated a lesson where he was being taught
how to ground and project with his own energy.
I
started to get really angry. I had just spilled my story to this guy,
and he never even told me he was a teacher! He didn’t even give me the
decency to tell me he wasn’t my teacher! It was hard to sit there with
myself and watch this young brown haired man getting exactly what I was
striving so hard for. I was horribly jealous of this guy, and I started
to get angry at him too; I caught myself and realized I wasn’t angry
with him as much as I was hurt and jealous. He had what I wanted. Why
wasn’t I good enough to be taught? Was it because I screwed something
up? Was it something I said wrong? Was it because I failed at finding a
guide earlier? I went from angry to being horribly self criticizing.
I
was so caught up in my own brooding to the point I didn’t realize their
lesson had ended and the man was headed my way. He was just as
pleasant as he was when he had left. I tried to pretend I was okay, but
he just stood there in front of me with his arms crossed.
“What’s wrong....” it wasn’t quite a scowl, it wasn’t quite confusion, but I felt I was in trouble
I
did what a little kid would do, and tried to play it off like it was
nothing, and then I put blame on daydreaming about contemplative things.
He gave me a harsh critical stare
I
sighed, squinted in anticipation of being yelled at, and told him I was
jealous of the guy over there he was teaching. But the yelling never
came, he burst out laughing instead.
I
was crushed. “But,” I stared at him, “you kept telling me how I
accomplished amazing things. This guy doesn’t even know how to ground
and you’re teaching him! Why can’t you teach me? What have I done
wrong?” I was so upset somewhere along the lines I had stood up, as if
the height from standing would help my voice become big.
He stopped laughing and stared at me like I had grown a second head.
“Wrong? Who said you did anything wrong?” he shook his head, “You just need to stop looking for a teacher.”
I
looked up from my moping in complete and utter confusion. He smiled
and sighed, put his arm around my shoulder, “You know, not everyone
needs a teacher. You’re learning just fine on your own.”
My mouth moved trying to form coherent words, but I think I just looked like a confused fish.
He
just chuckled and told me not to worry. “You’ll learn it in time. You
don’t need a proper teacher, you just need a guide to let you know it’s
okay to keep going along and you’re doing just fine”
He
patted my shoulder, turned me towards the woods. There was a small
campfire there that I had not seen before with a few people that I
thought I recognized. He told me to go see my friends, that they need
my company.
I
turned back towards him to ask him to elaborate, but all I saw was a
hawk flying back up into a tall pine. I stood there like an idiot, had
he been the hawk?
He screeched at me and I mentally thanked him and jogged over to the campfire.
From there...it all melted
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