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Friday, January 13, 2012

Meeting My Red-Tail

The first time I met one particular guide, I was walking through my normal meditation walk woods.  I had been looking for a guide, but with no luck.  On this go around, I made it through the woods until I came to a sheer cliff face.  I turned to go back an the woods were dark and uninviting.  Instead of being discouraged I tried to scale the cliff face.  It wasn't easy, it was hard with little to no footholds.

As I got a few yards up, I suddenly noticed there were small steps that carved into the side.  I was slightly confused because I knew they weren't there before, but I was more intent on seeing what was at the top.  It was only a few steps before I breached the canopy of the trees (which magically were back to normal again).  There was a large red-tailed hawk circling, and he rose higher and higher until he passed through an exceptionally dense layer of clouds a long ways up.  I was excited to see a hawk, but I really didn't think much of it because he was so far away, so I kept climbing.  As much as it was difficult, it was exciting and satisfying.  The higher I got, the steps got ever slowly smaller.  

Eventually, I reached the clouds and instead of being like normal clouds, they were more like a membrane to pass through (which was difficult standing on teeny slivers of steps!).  But when I passed through the hard pudding clouds there were very solid and wide stairs that went up to the top, which was only about 9 stairs.  Looking down, the clouds didn't look like clouds anymore, but were iridescent swirly pretty flat sheets.  

At the top, it was a beautifully grassy space with an elegant house with organic curves with a dense, and somehow more wild, forest behind it.  The house was empty from what I could see in the exceptionally large windows.  I heard the hawk cry and when I scanned the sky for him I saw a hawk-ish shadow dart behind the house, and I was sure he was going to land in one of the trees.  So I went around the house to catch a glimpse of him.

I didn't see any sign on him, but as I was scanning the trees a mature man came out of the back door of the house.  Imagine Santa Clause mixed with Blackbeard as if he was dressed to take photos of wildlife for National Geographic; complete with a greenish hat with a stripped feather in it.  He asked what I was looking for.  He smiled as I told him about the hawk and chuckled.  He gave me a curious smile and told me that he lived here, and asked me how I got up here and who told me how to get here.

"No one," I told him kind of confused, "I just came to a cliff and climbed"

He gave me a jokingly skeptical look and asked what I was doing up here and what I wanted to find.

I still didn't know who he was, but I had a feeling he'd know if I was lying, so I told him how I was looking for a guide, some of my frustration in searching.

He told me that he was impressed I got here by myself as he put his arm around my shoulders and gently led me to a stone bench for us to sit and talk.  He looked very serious as he told me how proud of my journey he was, and impressed.  That I should understand how much that actually meant I had accomplished.  

We started to have a conversation about it, but then a younger man came out of the dark woods.  The gentleman excused himself and told me he'd be back.  Then he went over to the young man and greeted him warmly.  The young man bowed and they stated a lesson where he was being taught how to ground and project with his own energy.  

I started to get really angry.  I had just spilled my story to this guy, and he never even told me he was a teacher! He didn’t even give me the decency to tell me he wasn’t my teacher!  It was hard to sit there with myself and watch this young brown haired man getting exactly what I was striving so hard for.  I was horribly jealous of this guy, and I started to get angry at him too; I caught myself and realized I wasn’t angry with him as much as I was hurt and jealous.  He had what I wanted.  Why wasn’t I good enough to be taught?  Was it because I screwed something up?  Was it something I said wrong?  Was it because I failed at finding a guide earlier?  I went from angry to being horribly self criticizing.  

I was so caught up in my own brooding to the point I didn’t realize their lesson had ended and the man was headed my way.  He was just as pleasant as he was when he had left.  I tried to pretend I was okay, but he just stood there in front of me with his arms crossed.

“What’s wrong....” it wasn’t quite a scowl, it wasn’t quite confusion, but I felt I was in trouble

I did what a little kid would do, and tried to play it off like it was nothing, and then I put blame on daydreaming about contemplative things.  

He gave me a harsh critical stare

I sighed, squinted in anticipation of being yelled at, and told him I was jealous of the guy over there he was teaching.  But the yelling never came, he burst out laughing instead.

I was crushed.  “But,” I stared at him, “you kept telling me how I accomplished amazing things.  This guy doesn’t even know how to ground and you’re teaching him!  Why can’t you teach me?  What have I done wrong?”  I was so upset somewhere along the lines I had stood up, as if the height from standing would help my voice become big.

He stopped laughing and stared at me like I had grown a second head.
“Wrong?  Who said you did anything wrong?” he shook his head, “You just need to stop looking for a teacher.”

I looked up from my moping in complete and utter confusion.  He smiled and sighed, put his arm around my shoulder, “You know, not everyone needs a teacher.  You’re learning just fine on your own.”  

My mouth moved trying to form coherent words, but I think I just looked like a confused fish.

He just chuckled and told me not to worry.  “You’ll learn it in time.  You don’t need a proper teacher, you just need a guide to let you know it’s okay to keep going along and you’re doing just fine”

He patted my shoulder, turned me towards the woods.  There was a small campfire there that I had not seen before with a few people that I thought I recognized.  He told me to go see my friends, that they need my company.

I turned back towards him to ask him to elaborate, but all I saw was a hawk flying back up into a tall pine.  I stood there like an idiot, had he been the hawk?

He screeched at me and I mentally thanked him and jogged over to the campfire.

From there...it all melted

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