I stopped focusing on my dream-not-a-dream experiences for a while, they still happened but I managed to kinda-sorta ignore them. Which basically means they still happen...I just pretend they don't.
So in the middle of the dreams that weren't supposed to be happening I was talking to a lovely Native woman off and on, trying to make a bit more solid sense out of what is going on in my little head. She spoke to me about how different medicines can be perceived badly by others not because they ARE bad, but because they represent harsh medicines. Like how Owl can represent a lot of deeper understandings of things, and looking into the dark...a lot of people still equate Owl with death.
Along that conversation I had mentioned how Coyote was coming along more often and kinda being a pain in the ass. I had laughed about it because he would often give snark his disapproval when I was being stubborn. I had also shared my experience where he told me I was a Red-Tailed Coyote. She got quiet and warned me very solemnly that that Coyote leads people astray and never to trust him. EVER. Coyote would like that bastardization and I don't have ANY Coyote in me.
At this point Branden piped up that he could see Coyote in my and that's another story for another day.
But long part of the story short, Branden and I had a long talk about it on the way home. I'd love to be able to say that it was long and insightful. But mainly it was just the normal "re-evaluate EVERYTHING I thought I understood". It was pretty sad looking back on it.
So of course the not-a-dreams get to a point where I can't ignore them. It only follows I suppose.
I found myself in the circle of trees Coyote brought me too last time when he turned me into a twisted totemic chimera. He was not pleased at all with me as he paced back and forth in front of me. "Do you really think that if I was really leading you down some horrible path that your Hawk friend would not step in? Really?"
I felt a mix between embarrassed and very offended, "How do I know? You ARE the Trickster spirit. How do I know that you've not just been lying to me so I learn a huge lesson the hard way? I don't know..." I always hate when I can't look at variables and see a solid reaction and this was kind of the epitome of what was going on. There was no definite way to answer. I knew how I felt...but this was Coyote...what was I next to Coyote?
Whether he heard my inner thoughts or not, he stopped pacing and padded up to me, looking at me straight in the eyes. He no longer looked, or felt, angry...but more a mix of disappointed and sad. "Have I ever done anything that put you in danger?"
"No...not that I know of"
He sighed, "Have I ever done anything that hurt you without warning you that you were doing stupid?"
"No"
"So where could I be leading you that is so bad? Hmm?" He twitched his head to the side like a normal coyote does when it's trying to listen.
I sat there for a while. I really didn't know...I had no adequate answer. There was no sure answer one way or another. There was only uncertainty "Because there's always a chance that I'm wrong. I've been wrong before when I trusted the wrong people and thought I was doing okay. I could be misunderstanding, or misreading, or just way too trusting. I don't know!"
He sat down and looked at me for a long time. After a while he told me there wasn't anything that he could do with it and got up and walked away. I was shocked and hurt and confused...and left sitting in the circle of trees. So I sat, and looked at the trees. Listened to the breeze. Listened to distant water. Continued to sit. Found myself thinking that sitting in a different space of reality was actually quite comfortable, so I just kept sitting and enjoying the surroundings...till I heard footsteps behind me anyway.
It was a person that was coming out of the trees behind me, sort of round-middled and kind of short. The closer he came, the more familiar he looked and the more a feeling of excitement grew. It was my Red-Tail Hawk not-a-hawk guy! He looked more biker-ish today with dark jeans, a black shirt with worn away white printings, a leather golf hat, and hiking boots. "Hey there red head, what's all this going on?"
I got up and walked towards him to meet him and considered whether giving a hug was appropriate. He took the initiative and gave me a brief, but big, bear hug. When he let go he gave me an inquisitive mixed with reprimanding look. "Well, what's all this about Coyote being bad for you." He said it more as a statement than questioning what was actually going on.
To cut out a lot of retelling, I basically told him everything from my normal questioning, to my encounters with my new Native friend, back to questioning, and anything else that I felt was important. He listened very patiently. Somewhere along the line we ended up sitting on a log bench. When I finally finished he smiled and lightly laughed. "If I had to live in your head, I wouldn't get anything done!" I just kind of dipped my head, but he just patted me on the back and laughed a bit more. "I didn't mean you anything buy it. But really, didn't you just hear her say that some people see totems as bad because they don't understand them?"
"Well...yes. But she's also much more experienced that I am. I know that she's been hurt by a coyote medicine before, but she's also been hurt by a red-tail medicine before. Yet she gives me a warning about Coyote and not about you. So I'm seeing that there's something there I must be missing, right? And if she is that worried about me, and if other people have said that coyotes are dangerous, what if I'm just bullheaded and running full tilt down the wrong way? And I haven't seen you around, so I don't want to lose having you around because I started talking to Coyote either"
He apparently found this quite amusing "Love, you're not going to lose me being around just for bein' part of Coyote pack. You still got feathers wherever you're goin'. You gotta stop worrying so much, you'll burn yourself out at this rate!" He yelled out for Coyote, who came lightly trotting back from where he came from. "Did you hear this? You got her worried that I've not been bothering her since you're here." He turned back to me at this point. "Darlin' you're going to have many different people comin' and goin' here. You listened as much as you needed to with what I was telling you, so it was time for someone else that would work you in a different way. I'm not going anywhere."
Coyote jumped up next to him on the log bench and looked intensely at me. "Didn't you get the point from our last encounter...there's much more than just one important part of you" The man-who-is-a-hawk laughed a bit more, patted my shoulder, shook his head, patted Coyote's shoulder, "She's all yours on this one" And then I woke up when Coyote blinked at me.
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